Many people have written to figures that inspire to find out how they can deal with their low self-regard. There have been many other questions of a similar nature, but this article is intended to particularly serve as answer to the question about poor self-regard or low-self esteem. Personally, I always endeavor to maintain good and high self-regard, but I have never thought of it as a science. Anyway, you got me curious about it. In this article I will therefore be walking through 5 ways to build your amour propre or self-esteem.

However, your question in most cases was asked this way: “How can I deal with my low self-esteem?”. I found out that if you must succeed in this quest, you will have to first of all shift your thoughts from “I have low self-esteem” to “I don’t have high self-esteem”. If you think of yourself as having low self’-esteem, it will be difficult for you to jump out of it, but if you start thinking of yourself as having just little self-esteem or confidence, you develop the mindset that takes you toward it.

Here are five tips or five ways you can build your high self-confidence.

1. Eliminate negative self-talk

As in The life-changing question, all of us are perpetual story tellers of the events of our lives. We narrate in our heads in various ways, the things that happen in our lives. The truth is that those things that happen to you are the same things that happen to others. What makes the difference is how you interpret and handle what happens to you. It is normal to make mistakes. We are generally too critical and harsh to ourselves when we screw up. In our heads we say things like “It’s me again with my foolishness”, “i’m so dump” “I’m so dull” etc.

When we become too self-critical, it doesn’t help. Negative self-talk or cognitive distortions is just what it sounds like. The very negative things you say in your head about yourself go a long way to affect your personality. The more you internalize such discussions the more you become them and you begin to feel and act just that way. How you habitually talk to yourself determines how you feel about yourself. It would be better you encourage yourself and say that you won’t make such a mistake again. Do not pass a harsh verdict on yourself.

When you often judge yourself so negatively, such remarks gradually sink deep into your subconscious mind. Trust me, what is already in the subconscious mind is what forms your being. You begin to think, feel and act just that way. That is how you begin to feel so inferior and less important. If you must come out this poor mental state, it’s simple. Control your thoughts and watch what comes in and takes roots. When such negative thoughts cross your mind, sweep them away swiftly and bless yourself. That is what you deserve.

You can reverse such poor mental attitudes

The good news is that such negative self-talk can be reversed. The first step is to practice being more aware of your own self-talk, especially your overly negative and judgmental self-talk about yourself. Identify all of those situations that make you say in your head that you are so stupid, foolish, lazy, dull, poor, dump, etc.

Next, try catching your negative self-talk and forgiving yourself. Arrest all the negative remarks that come in your head against you. Some of them were planted by the people around you during your childhood. Do not give them a place in your mind any longer. On the contrary, keep telling yourself positive things and learn progressively to avoid the mistakes you have made continuously. Cognitive distortions or negative self-talk is terribly harmful to oneself. Learn more: How Our Stories Make Us Miserable: 10 Types of Negative Self-Talk.

Negative self-talk is like self-hate. Imagine living a life where you are hated perpetually. Is there any chance you can be happy about yourself? If you want to have high self-esteem, learn to forgive yourself in your head and love yourself even more. No one will love you more than you love yourself. Learn More: Cognitive Restructuring: The Complete Guide to Changing Negative Thinking.

2. Clarify Your Values and live just according to them

As in The power of a personal philosophy, high self-regard comes naturally if you live a life that aligns with your values. On the contrary, if you have to compromise all the time, you can hardly be proud of yourself.

Now, look at your daily schedule. Which of the items have you omitted most? If you can be faithful to your daily schedule, you train your brain to believe that you are a trustworthy and reliable person. This also means that you do the things you say you will do. On the contrary, when you plan things and don’t do them, you train your brain to believe that you are not trustworthy and reliable. Well, how can you be proud of someone who is not trustworthy? Your values include your integrity and honesty. Make sure that what you do is the product of your own conclusion.

Try to establish values that are compelling and lead you to your vision. Make your values very clear and compelling. Always make time to look at them so that you remain faithful to them. If you can do this, you will love yourself even more.

3. Shift Your Focus from Outcomes to Growth

No one would gainsay the fact that there is a particular process that leads to every goal or outcome. In most cases, our minds dwell only on the out come such that we become so anxious about it. It is not a bad thing to think about your goal, but you must focus more on the process that takes you to it.

The very enlightened and productive people are those who are process-oriented. They know about the goal but they don’t worry about it. What they focus on are the various steps and tasks that will accomplish the dream. They don’t waste energy and time thinking about the outcome. Their energy and time is spent on the process of growth. This increases their self confidence at an individual level because they notice themselves making progress on a daily basis. On the other hand, when you keep thinking about the outcome, you become anxious and worried because you are constantly reminded that you are not yet there.

For example:

For a child who dreams to become a great person in future, we usually encourage him/her to get serious at school and pass in his/her exams with good grades. We help him focus on attending school and passing his exams. The only thing the child is told is that if he studies well and finally completes a certain training he will become an expert in that chosen domain. We never advise him to spend time thinking about how his life will be when he is such and expert, because it will be a fatal error to do so.

Those who want their children to become football stars, send their children to football schools. There, the children concentrate on learning how to play football. As they focus on this training, they later become stars even before they realize it. Same goes for other sports disciplines.

A practical thing you can do to boost your self-esteem is to practice shifting your focus to the small routines and habits that, if performed regularly, will lead to the outcome.

Nick Wignall

High self-esteem comes naturally as you make constant progress. Focus on the little things you are supposed to do on a daily basis. It is a sure way of driving yourself into the desired goal.

4. Let your expectations be attainable

Generally, when your expectations are always too high, you end up being disappointed. And trust me, disappointed is a recipe for low self-esteem. Let your expectations be attainable. Do not expect too much from people.

For example:

The general expectation is that when you come and join other people who had met earlier before your arrival, they will give you a warm welcome. It is generally expected that because they are friends, they will leave whatever they have been doing and show you some love. This is a legitimate expectation but it’s not obvious that it will always be this way because people are not the same every day. There are moments people have preoccupying issues to focus on. So if you want to always count on such moments to confirm their love for you then you will get it wrong.

People generally feel less important when their expectations are not satisfied in such circumstances. Do not expect too much from people. Even couples face such problems because one is not always available to rush and say to the other, “sweetheart, welcome back home”. We must learn to not expect this all the time because people’s activities.

The same goes for phone calls and text messages. Don’t always expect a very warm voice from the other end. Don’t always expect very “sweet words” each time you are text-messaging. Have in mind the possibility that people are busy thinking about another thing or that something is weighing them down emotionally. Do not feel less important and inferior if people are not very receptive to you. manage your expectations and be happy always.

5. Spend time with the right people. Let your company be the one that shares your values.

The type of people we’re surrounded by, day-in and day-out, profoundly affects us, including our self-esteem:
It’s not hard to see how low self-esteem gets perpetuated if most of the people around you are cruel, sarcastic, condescending, cold, judgmental, and manipulative.
On the other hand, it should be obvious that high self-esteem is far more likely if most of the people in our lives—especially key relationships like spouses, partners, coworkers, best friend, etc—are supportive, encouraging, loving, kind, compassionate, and honest.

Stay close to people who will appreciate and encourage you by the things you do. Remain closer to people who share the same values with you. However, no matter how hard you try, you will always meet people who will say things that will hurt your confidence. What you must do is become mentally so strong. Wave at such derogatory remarks when they are directed to you. Always tell yourself that you are a wonderful person created by God in HIS own image.

Above all, do not speak ill of other people too. Appreciate them and bless them internally. This love will come back to you in a way that I might not explain in this write-up.

William Shakespeare said:

Assume the virtue if you have it not.

I end with this quote because the surest way to attain high self-esteem is by behaving as if you have it already.

Did you find this article helpful? Is there any particular thing you find intriguing about it? Is there a way you think we could improve it? Let us know your impressions by leaving a comment. Thank you


  1. Great piece.

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